so, more about the colonoscopy.

I promised to tell more about the colonoscopy. It really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, truth be told. But the prep...woosh, that was a different story!

The day before I was to have the procedure, I wasn't supposed to have any sort of solid food; the only things I could have was liquids or food like Jell-O, chicken broth, water, juice, stuff like that. Nothing red or purple, which was okay because I love both lemon and lime Jell-O. I also had to take laxatives because they needed my colon cleaned out. They didn't like my idea very much, which was to get a big bucket of KFC Extra Crispy and scarf it down. I don't know why they wouldn't go for that; it's always worked for me before!

At 10 AM and 2 PM, I had to take some Dulcolax (I honestly have never had to take a laxative in the whole of my life), and at 5 PM I had to down a bottle of sodium citrate.

Now, for those of you who have never had sodium citrate, let me describe it for you. It's a lot like drinking baking soda which has been dissolved in paint thinner and thickened up with some corn syrup with a splash of lemon-lime soda for flavor. Tasty concoction, and you have to ingest it all.

All.

The only way I could get it down was to take a swig, followed by a HUGE swallow of water. Then more water. Then another swig, followed closely by more water. Took me almost an hour, with my husband laughing at me the whole time. Oh, revenge is a dish best served cold, my love.

Now, the effect of the laxatives and sodium citrate and water was that my bowels decided to evacuate everything that was in them and some things that they scavenged from elsewhere just to not waste the cramps. Dave Barry described it best, by saying that, "...[Y]our bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet." Yep, pretty much.

Here's the deal: My house has two bathrooms, one upstairs and one downstairs. However, for all intents and purposes, we might as well just say that we have one and a half bathrooms, because while the upstairs toilet works the upstairs shower and bath are non-functional. See, they leak through the floor, and getting to the pipes to fix this problem (according to aforementioned husband) will involve removing three-quarters of the upstairs and up to half of the downstairs. So, with husband and two teenagers in the house (both of whom were involved in track at the time), obviously at some point they were going to need in the bathroom to shower and clean up. But what would happen to me if I desperately needed in there? This was not the kind of thing where you could just clench your cheeks together and grit your teeth and cross your legs and everything would hold inside until you managed to stumble to a potty. Nope...once you felt the rumblings, you ran straight for the bathroom. Fortunately, they took really fast showers. It was a lot like time trials...I ran out and said, "Okay...NOW!" and they knew they had about seven minutes until the next cramp hit and I was throwing them out of there naked if I had to.

I felt like I had set up camp in there. I had a book, and my cellphone (for FreeCell, understand...it kinda kills the conversation to call a friend and they ask, "So, whatcha doing?" and you answer, "Oh, just sitting here on the toilet. Don't mind those noises in the background, it's nothing.") and various other things to do.

I finally got to the point where my skin was so raw that I was in tears every time I felt the urge to go. I had to resort to diaper rash cream, even though I had taken the precaution of using moist wipes from the beginning. I would like to say that it did clear up after a couple of days.

This continued pretty much all day and into the night. I did manage to get some sleep in spite of it all.

By morning, I was fairly empty, but I still rumblings and mucousy stuff coming out. Not fun, but I had to get ready and go the hospital. Here's a clue...wear your comfy clothes. I wore a pair of black yoga pants (black was chosen on purpose...no pastels today), a loose-fitting t-shirt, and my crocs. Makeup was kept to a bare minimum, but I just couldn't face a colonoscopy without some paint. Listen, lip gloss is a very important part of the process, and don't let anybody tell you different.

The hospital part was pretty uneventful, in and of itself, although I did meet a former schoolmate beforehand who was now a nurse and I saw a lady that I go to church with when I was on my way in. Didn't know they worked there. Oh joy. Always fun to run into people in situations like that.

I had changed into a gown and sat on a bed for quite a while waiting, but it finally came to be my turn. While I was sitting there, I managed to think of all the things I was afraid of...the main thing was pooping on the doctor. I was terrified that they would stick that tube up my behind and I'd poop everywhere. Or that I would fart continuously. That has been a big fear of mine since high school and a rather unfortunate incident. Yep, pooping and farting, those were my fears. I'm pretty shallow that way.

The nice doctor and nurses were waiting for me. The doctor asked me why I was there, and I said, "I have no idea." That got a laugh. I had to lay on my left side, draw up my knees, and get comfy. At that point, I told the doctor that since he knew my dad, he needed to be nice to me. (Which was true...he did my dad's colonoscopy. We like to keep it all in the family. Makes for good Thanksgiving table conversation.) The anesthesiologist put a needle in my arm, asked me a question which I have since forgotten, and next thing I knew I was waking up in recovery. I did have a weird dream while I was under, but I've forgotten that too.

I lay there a while watching them bring in other people from their surgeries, feeling much better about life in general, and then they let me get dressed and leave. I then went home and slept the rest of the afternoon. If I pooped and farted during the exam, I had no clue about it, and nobody mentioned it.

At some point they did tell my husband that they found no problems with my colon, and later we found out that samples taken showed no problems. That's both good and bad...I don't have major problems, but I also don't have a specific thing I can point to and say, "Okay, THAT'S what is wrong with me."

All that to say this: The prep was bad, I'm not gonna lie. But it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be...I honestly thought it would be worse. The most stressful part was the trip to the hospital and the waiting around before the procedure. I slept through the whole thing and I don't remember any of it. So, if you're putting it off because you're scared or something...don't. Truly, it wasn't earth-shatteringly bad, and I would tell you if it was.

So, there you have it...a colonoscopy from beginning to end, so to speak. Next time, I'll tell you about when I pooped my pants at Walmart! You'll definitely want to stay tuned!